“Alright, give Jay his phone back whoever you are. This is getting weird,” Arnie said. He didn’t recognize the girl on the other end of the line, but it had to be someone Jay knew. They must be playing a prank on him.

“I am Jay! For the last time, this mall is doing something weird to me! Please, I’m begging you, get me out of here!” the girl on the other end pleaded. Despite her protestations, she sounded nothing like the 280-pound nerd Arnie had grown up with. For one thing, Jay was a guy. Not much of one in terms of masculine hobbies like sports or outdoorsmanship, but definitely biologically and in that they both shared a preference for women. He hadn’t had much luck, however, with his reclusive habits and lack of confidence. Not that Arnie was doing much better lately, his night job keeping him from socializing with normal people during normal hours. And it was the fact that he was woken up in the middle of his “night” that he wasn’t in any mood to drive out to the mall for one of Arnie’s manipulative gags.

“Look, send me a picture of Jay or I’m telling the cops his phone got stolen,” Arnie said, hanging up. He didn’t know if that was true or not, but if this was a prank then Jay was taking things way too far and needed a wake-up call. The phone buzzed a few seconds later. Arnie picked it up and unlocked it to look at a new text notification. But when he opened his texts from Jay’s number, a big bare breast greeted him instead. An oddly purple-grayish one, exposed to the camera by a hand pulling down on one side of a shoulderless blouse. It was, he had to admit, not the worst thing to see… even if it was a prank or a phone thief.

‘Nice, but no dice’ he texted back.

‘sorry man i couldnt help myself please come get me quick there are things on the wall looking at me’ the stranger, or maybe Jay this time, texted in reply.

‘Call an Uber,’ he shot back. He was not going out on a wild goose chase for one of Jay’s jokes, or whatever this was.

The next reply was a full topless shot, followed with an enticing ‘if u pick me up u can play with them’

He had to admit, it was tempting. He let his attention linger on the picture until he noticed the three dots indicating a new message was being composed. It arrived after a minute, just when he was staring to give up.

‘please arnie im srs com get me at mall pls bro pls pls’

He was just starting to consider that maybe Jay really did need a ride when the voice call rang. Jay’s number again. Frustrated, he swiped the icon to answer. “WHAT?” he shouted into the mic.

“I’m walking out of here, the stuff on the wall is-” the feminine voice was cut off by a sudden squeal and a brisk giggle before resuming, “it’s getting a little too handsy and I can’t deal with that right now. Please pick me up at the east entrance?” the mysterious girl begged.

“Okay, fine. If you’re not with Jay I’m calling the cops,” Arnie said, almost incredulous that he was falling for this nonsense. He hung up and rubbed his tired eyes, glancing at the unwanted sunlight bleeding around the edges of his blackout curtains on the ceiling and walls. He wondered how he was going to get back to sleep before his shift and grumbled. It was a lot easier to put up with night jobs when he was still in college, but now north of thirty he was finding the consequences less tolerable.

Even his sleep-deprived eyes couldn’t miss the girl who stood outside the mall entrance, flagging him down. She looked like a whore… except for all the non-human features. The long, pointy ears. The weird purple-gray color of her skin. The pink hair, and pink eyes that were not… not physically possible, as large and shiny as they were. And then there was her figure. Yes, she had the same nice rack he’d seen in the texts, but for all that she was actually bottom-heavy. Her tiny waistline ballooned cartoonishly outward into a massive set of broad hips, bearing thick, fat thighs that looked heavier than the rest of her combined. And somehow she was still hopping up and down, jiggling all her weirdly proportioned and weirdly-colored flesh heedlessly as she tried to signal his attention.

When she saw him pull over to the curb, she picked up a heavy bag and wiggled eagerly, beaming a huge smile at him and waving her free hand like a giddy schoolgirl signaling to her classmate. He pulled to a stop and lowered the window, but didn’t unlock the door.

“Who are you?” he asked bruskly, but not able to resist looking deep into her exposed cleavage. He considered it a token fee for dragging him out of bed in the middle of the day.

“I’m Jay, silly!” she giggle, as if it should have been obvious. “Lemme in, this place gives me the creeps.” Without pause she reached in and pressed the door lock button, then opened the passenger door. The car tilted hard over to the right as she let herself in before Arnie could stop her.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “Where’s Jay?”

“Um, duh? Like, I am Jay! Stop being silly, Arnie, or I won’t let you get any of this when we get back to your place.” She closed the door, which thudded heavily against one of her chubby thighs, and set the over-large purse in her lap. Then she looked at him expectantly, wrapping pink hair around one finger.

“… What?” Arnie asked, his brain momentarily slipping gears.

“Oh okay, you twisted my arm!” she relented, smiling and blushing as she straightened her hair and flicked a jingling earring in one of her overgrown lobes. “You can hit it, but I get to stay the night and get some wake-up sex when you get home from work. And not just a quickie either, the whole nine yards bro. Just don’t leave any hickies or bruises, I don’t wanna to photoshop them out later. Deal?”

Arnie blinked. He looked at ‘Jay.’ He looked her up and down. He looked her… side to side. He turned his gaze up for a moment to think, then he looked her over again. She smiled vacantly.

“Deal,” he said, disengaging the brake and putting the car in drive. He didn’t know what was going on, but it had been too long since he’d gotten it wet. Sometimes you just don’t look at gift horse in the mouth.