The speech was well-rehearsed, and she sounded thoroughly bored through the entire thing.

“Please read the entire waiver, print your full legal name, and then sign and date it before returning to the counter. I will go over some but not all of the terms and conditions with you here. Customers are allowed up to three dives for not longer than sixty seconds per dive, or until they retrieve one mystery item from Sludgey’s Slime Pit LLC’s Slime Dive Treasure Hunt Adventure pit, whichever transpires first.”

He looked past the cashier’s rainbow dye job to scope out the retina-burningly bright pool of neon-colored slime, and the unmarked boxes and containers that bobbed in the thick, viscous liquid. It seemed simple enough to him, wade in and grab something, then get out and see what you won. He didn’t know why this place had such a nefarious reputation.

“Please pay attention to the disclaimer of liability for any undesired side-effects which may include but are not limited to surprising or alarming biological, psychological, emotional, or theological alterations and challenges,” the cashier continued in a droning monotone. “By signing this waiver you agree that Smudgey’s Slime Pit, LLC is not responsible for the customer’s personal safety or security except where required by state and federal laws. By signing this waiver you agree to resolution of any disputes that may arise through binding arbitration presided over by Smudgey’s Judgey Services, LLC, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Smudgey’s Slime Pit, LLC. Please make sure to fill the form out where applicable in its entirety, paying special attention to the emergency contact information and next of kin. Once again, these are not the full terms and conditions to which you must agree before proceeding with Sludgey’s Slime Pit LLC’s Slime Dive Treasure Hunt Adventure, which may only be found in the current and up-to-date waiver form you have been given. Do you have any questions?”

“Can I keep the pen?” he asked with a cocky smile. “I’ll need something to write down your number.”

Without missing a beat or batting an eye, the unicorn girl behind the counter brushed him off. “I apologize sir but I’m not allowed to fraternize with customers of Sludgey’s Slime Pit, LLC nor any of its subsidiaries as this may present a conflict of interests. Also,” she added, going off-script but without any particularly emotional energy, “I used to be a pick-up artist like you.”

“… until you took an arrow to the knee?” he asked, trying to keep things light.

“Until I fell into the pit. Now please have a seat and fill out the form if you care to test your luck in search of fame and fortune at Sludgey’s Slime Pit LLC’s Slime Dive Treasure Hunt Adventure.”